4.4.17

April 4th, 2017.

Today I weigh 360 pounds.

My goal for next Tuesday, April 11th, 2017, is to weigh 359 pounds.  :)

Today I was told there is a 90% chance I have polycystic ovarian disease.

Soon I will have climbed my mountain, my weight will be lower than ever before, and I will no longer feel the side effects of my disease.

Like the mountain climbers who only have dreams but will someday climb their hills to look back… I will lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. (Psalms 121)  Sometimes in our deepest trials, we find God… In sorrow, in grief, in pain, we find Christ, Who too knew suffering as He died for the sins of people like you and me.  What blessedness it is to walk beside the Master, grasping the hand which so mercilessly bled for me.

Today I stood in the bathroom, looking at the mirror.  The nurse practitioner had just told me she supposed I had a disease which could very well cause fertility issues in my future – and my greatest dream for years has been to be a mother.  I could only whisper to myself, “It will be okay.”…because almost a year ago I saw five of my children, beautiful, strong things who loved the Lord…and I know God’s plan cannot be thwarted.

I’d like to pretend that most days I feel a divine Being walking beside me, leading me by the hand – and no doubt there are those who feel this way – but I, in my carnal selfishness and sometimes overwhelming depression and exhaustion, most days feel tired and in pain.  And that weariness and suffering causes me to cry over and over, “I can’t – I just can’t…not today, Lord, not today.”

But it is in this abyss that I must cry, “I CAN!  With You, Lord, I can.”

It is true that dwelling on sorrow, bitterness, and strife will make me sad and sorry.  Dwelling on Jesus, on His sacrifice, and on His example gives me joy.  It really does.  He lightens my burdens, gives me joy, and grants me strength to carry on.  And that is what I must do.   I will listen to the voice of Jesus as He calls, “Carry on, faithful soldier!”